Surging Forward - My First Attempts at Heavy Fighting, part 2

I had just set my mind: Yes, I was going to keep strapping armor on. And I was going to keep pushing myself to explore this new sport - because I truly wanted to.

After that Sunday of deciding to push myself, I decided to research ways to fight despite being afraid.

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I already knew months before that I needed to change my mentality to start fighting - I've talked about it here before.

But what I didn't realize was that there were a few different ways to view your mentality and view your fighting opponent:

I remember when I was young (maybe 8 years old?), I was at a family function, where some of my uncles were throwing a football around. I wanted to try, so I asked them to throw it to me. They threw it to me, and I threw it back. It wasn't thrown with too much power (I've always had weak arms :/ ) so they threw it back, AT me - and I was hit by the ball.

The hurt was so bad, and I was so mad that I got hurt, that I angrily threw the football back - and the men receiving the football applauded me for throwing the ball harder.

I stood there in angry disbelief for a moment - then I turned away and left them alone. Failing to see I was hurt and needing comfort, they instead applauded me for using my hurt feelings in a powerful way. It felt wrong. I HATED that idea. And for a long time after that, it seemed that physical power required angry feelings.

It felt further confirmed by my sister hurting me as I grew up - she obviously appeared angry, and she was a strong girl. The way I learned to see any opponent was a threat, or someone looking to hurt me. Fighting felt like anger, and anger was fighting.

A person like me, who strived to be kind, obviously had a problem with all that.

But as I researched that recent Sunday afternoon on how to fight despite being scared, I learned more about what a HEALTHY fighting mentality looks like:

I learned that fear can be used to incentivize a fighter to finish a fight faster.

I learned that a fighter who practices constantly is more prepared for fights, and therefore will have less fear.

I learned that the better a fighter takes care of themselves, the more likely they will be mentally and physically prepared for a fight.

I learned that anger does no one any good - that anger has no place in a good fight.

I learned that my opponent can be as scared as I am, and that I can use that to my advantage.

And I took all this, and more knowledge that I learned, with me into my next lessons.

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My best friend and I decided to armor up again Monday Morning, the week of an SCA camping event we were planning to attend. We wanted to get one more practice in before we attended the event, and it went fairly well:

We started sparing - I was free to hit him, and he was free to hit me. I only knew the flat snap, but I was trying to use it as best I could. Unfortunately, he was carrying a huge kite shield, so I was unable to land any leg shots. And my friend decided to throw a few different shots: he would hit me in the head with a flat snap, but he also threw a few leg shots. For me, the leg shots were not that bad - I played soccer without shin guards as a pre-teen/teenager, so getting hit with a leg shot or butt-wrap didn't bother me.

Again, this was done NOT at my friend's full strength.

We took a break to talk: My friend understood that biologically, women took longer for adrenaline to kick in. He wanted to know if I knew of any ways to kick up my adrenaline faster. I felt I was capable of racking up my adrenaline faster, but I didn't have any ideas on how to do that. I never did, or looked to do, contact sports growing up. I've only done long distance track and soccer competitively, and any other sport I've done recreationally was not competitive. I didn't enjoy basketball or volleyball, which were popular with the kids and adults I went to church with growing up. So I truly never had to think about adrenaline enhancing my sporting experience.

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Mini interlude: I have never liked adrenaline spikes.

I hate being surprised. I have only really associated adrenaline spikes with preservation in the face of fear. It's a nasty feeling for me!

But the fact that I am willing to process the feeling of adrenaline under a different context shows me just how far I have come in ditching trauma.

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My friend also encouraged me to step back from the fight if I wasn't gaining any advantage - My arms do not have much strength in them, so he talked about when I disengage, I can rest my arms, and then when I re-engage, that's when I put my stance back up. For the rest of the training session, I got a little more used to stepping back, before coming back in to fight. That helped my arms quite a bit, and kept us going longer than we otherwise would have.

We also talked about my shield work - I was struggling to balance defensive and offensive movements, especially since I was so focused on my friend hitting me, and me being nervous about getting hit. So the moment I thought about my shield arm, I would lose focus on where my sword arm would rest, and the moment I focused on my sword arm, my shield arm was forgotten about. Holding both up also wore me out - we talked about how my under elbow protection may be restricting blood flow to the arm, tiring it out sooner. We resolved to keep it off the next time I fought, so I could study the difference, and we worked on positioning for my shield and my sword.

As we started up again, I paid more attention to my shield arm as I threw shots. And lo and behold, I was able to use my shield to block a few of my friend's shots! What a relief, that I could actually use my shield to protect me! I was beginning to appreciate the extra weight on my arm, as heavy as it was (and despite our efforts to keep it light!).

On the next break, we talked about throwing a shot from a resting position, to prevent telegraphing my shots. Telegraphing just means if I take a few seconds longer than I should to throw a shot, my opponent has time to see and counter it. I was having trouble doing this AND having enough power for my flat snap, AND having it land exactly as it should. I did my best, but it just didn't seem to come together very well during this practice session.

I also expressed my frustration at not being able to hit him around his kite shield. For any fighter on the path to Chivalry, this is an obstacle to work through, and figure out. Since I was just learning, however, we agreed it wasn't useful for the basic experience I was obtaining at this point. In the week that followed, we were able to make a shield similar to the one I had, with the goal of using it to help me mirror what my friend was doing, therefore, teaching me better shield work without having to sit down and talk. It would also make fighting easier for me, which my friend was gracious enough to grant me, as a beginner. We planned to use it at the event we were going to.

During the last bout, however, we kept sparring, trying to keep it fun. I did try to land a few shots that were more powerful, and I think this excited my friend - because he began to hit me in harder increments, with my permission. And he landed a blow on my head at about 70% power that made my helmet rattle - the force of the blow knocked the helmet into my head, then off my head, until it settled back into place!

I decided it was time to stop at that point.

It took a bit of mental work to wrap my head around the fact that my helmet. BOUNCED. OFF. My head. Even at loosely 2/3 my friend's strength. I asked my friend if that was something that was allowed to happen when fighting, or if that shouldn't happen. He assured me it happens sometimes.

I trusted him to be truthful, and yet I couldn't help still wondering if that was right. Later that week, I asked other friends of mine if that was something that happened, and was allowed to happen. They assured me it does happen - and it was better for it to happen to the helmet, and not my actual skull.

This later assurance has helped me move on from worrying too much about it, but I now also have more awareness of what I am in for as I progress in fighting.

Anyways, we finished our fighting for the day after that fight, and I was able to mentally process what occurred. Overall, the sparing had been a positive experience - I had resolved my anxiety against fighting, but nerves were still there. I made the decision to contact a few friends to tell them I would not be ready to fight them at the event we were going to. They appeared to understand, and offered their support and excitement for me, which I was very grateful for.

Despite my nerves, I looked forward to the next day we would suit up. I had a goal to authorize, and thought maybe I could do that at the event we were going to. Either way, I set my mind to suit up and fight at the next event we were going to.

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I didn't tell more than a handful of people I would be showing up to the event with armor. I wanted to surprise people.

My friend had helped me make my first shield, but I had hand-painted it, mostly freehanded, with some stenciling only to mark out a hidden geometric pattern on my shield. I really wanted to show it off to my friends, because there's a real surprise factor. I'm not going to tell you what the pattern is - catch me at an event sometime. Of the people who have studied it, they all love it, and that's all I wanted. :)

There were a few projects I wanted to complete as well: my armor bag was not large enough to carry all my armor AND my helmet, and the bag that the helmet originally came with did not have a strap to sling over my back. I went to the thrift store to find a bigger duffle, but I haven't found one I like better than my current fighting bag. So instead, I found a used softball bag for my helmet. The bottom was coming loose, so I found a sturdier bag to tack onto the inside of the softball bag to support the weight of the helmet, and keep it water-proof. I didn't end up finishing this before the event, so I took it with me to finish up.

After that Monday practice, we spent the rest of the week getting ready for the event before we arrived at site opening last week on Thursday. It was hot during the day, but the mornings were cool, as a result of cold nights. We decided we would armor up Saturday morning. In the meantime, I finished fixing up the old softball bag Friday afternoon - it really turned out better than I thought it would, so now I have a great storage combination for carrying my kit. Even a couple of my friends in camp liked the storage I had for my kit - that felt nice.

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Really, it has been amazing to see the support for my participation in this sport - Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed the sheer number of people looking to give me advice, teach me things, and help me find armor and gear that works best for me.

I offer my sincerest thanks for those of you who have offered your time and talent to my cause.

I have since realized, however, that my ability to mentally prepare myself for a fight gets overwhelmed from all the outpouring of support. And as a result, my general nerves are more likely to turn into performance anxiety. Which will result in me not having a good experience. I know people offering support is not meant to do this - obviously, it's a new thing I have recognized and need to understand and deal with.

To the people looking to support me: I thank you so much. Just know that right now, it takes a great deal of mental energy to get to a point where I can suit up. I am working to make this mental process more familiar, and therefore, require less energy. And when I get to the point where this is no longer such a big deal, I will let everyone know.

I am hopeful that I can overcome this issue so that we will in time fight each other - thank you for your patience in the meantime,

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So Saturday of the event rolls up - I get up early, even after sleeping under the stars, going to sleep WAY later than I should.

I start making camp coffee, and we have this hefty camp spoon to stir the coffee grounds. I start using the spoon to practice flat snaps.

A couple other camp members get up - they laugh when they see me practicing. But the weight of the spoon was really good, it helped me warm up a little, and I as able to review a little bit, before I started for the day.

After breakfast, my best friend and I got ready to suit up: I got into my workout unitard, and started stretching, going through a mental checklist in my mind. And when I felt ready, I suited up.

My best friend and I had already talked before about steering general advice away from me, as other people would not know where I am at in this journey, and they would not know I am not ready to receive ALL the feedback. As we got ready, we talked again about the fact that there was a chance people would try to interject, and that my best friend, being a Knight, was willing to be the point of contact for them. I was very grateful for his assurance that I could learn at my own pace without being overwhelmed. I also found another one of our friends in camp, also a Knight, who was willing to spread the word to our camp. I am grateful for his support, as this helped me be able to focus on the fight before me with minor interjections.

Armored up, my best friend and I met on the most even ground on the grass, which was just outside our camp, in the common area of the event. It was smart not to fight inside our campsite, because there was not space or even ground conducive for fighting. But choosing to fight there meant that we drew a bit of attention.

My friend and I allowed our camp household to watch if they wanted - we went over our goals for that first round, and then we started sparing.

First off, it was MUCH easier to land hits on my friend with his newer shield being the same size as mine - and I got a few leg shots with my flat snap! It was pretty infuriating to my friend, who was used to his huge kite shield, but I had a great time! Later on in the training session, my friend finally got the hang of the shield, and was able to block a leg shot - he let out a triumphant yell and we both laughed. It was a fun moment for both of us. 😆

The second thing I noticed was that a crowd watching me was new - there were shouts of encouragement from my husband and friends, and a couple passing knights who stopped to watch, attempted to shout out instruction for me. My friend was able to cut those knights off, thankfully, but I realized pretty quick that I needed to tune out the crowd. I was able to for the most part that first bout, and that helped. 

After our first bout, one of my household friends offered a fist to bump - I engaged, and it really sunk in just how much support I had from my friends and chosen family. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by people who cared about me.

My friend and I then sat down to talk. I had noticed earlier that one of our friends not camping with us (also a Knight) had come over to watch. My friend waved him over and explained that I had a goal to get authorized. This friend got excited, and asked me if I was ready to do it - in the bout, I realized that one thing I was NOT doing at this time, was calling killing shots. It's rather important to be able to do that on a melee field and in tournaments, so to authorize in the SCA, you need to be able to do that.

Because I had not even begun to call shots, I decided at that time to not authorize. I explained to my friends that I was more focused on shot calibration and mentally assessing my body's response to it, than I was focused on taking shots. Both my friends agreed that it was wise to wait, so our friend went back to watching.

Then we talked about the mechanics of the flat snap. We had talked about it before in the first non-suit lesson, and the first suit lesson. But then he talked about incorporating hip movement to power up shots. The way he was talking about it made me think of swinging a baseball bat, so I asked if it was like baseball. His eyes lit up, seeing that this point was being grasped, and agreed that it was, in fact, like baseball. I have played some recreation softball, so that movement was fairly familiar to me.

By understanding this, I then asked my friend if in the next bout, I could slowly work through the entire motion of a solid flat snap, going incrementally faster with each hit. My friend encouraged me to do this - he also took the time to ask if I had any hang ups about hitting him. I admitted that there was maybe 5% of me that felt bad about hitting my friend - the rest of me was focused on getting the shots right, and understanding my body movement. I didn't want to be wild with my shots and accidentally hurt myself. Understanding this, we got our helmets back on to focus on what we talked about.

I was determined to get this basic shot down, so I started going. One, two, three, four five - With each blow feeling solid, I felt better about speeding up, and when I added speed, I felt more confident.

At the conclusion of this series of shots, my best friend asked me to hit him as hard as I could.

It was at this time that I made the mental shift from seeing my friend, to seeing my opponent.

And I hit him as hard as I physically could.

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That blow flowed from my foot, through my calf, through my thigh, through my hip, through my shoulder, through my bicep, through my forearm, through my wrist.

That blow landed right where it needed to land.

I felt satisfaction.

We had a few more exchanges, and then I got hit pretty hard on the backside of my knee - I registered that it was a hard hit, harder than the other ones - but it didn't bother me.

I didn't realize it until later, but my adrenaline had spiked - I was fighting, and I was feeling good.

We stopped for another rest before the final bout. There were two knights unfamiliar to me watching at this point - they interjected to show me and my friend that my shield orientation was not effective for my natural stance. My friend's shield that we had made for him has a lower orientation, so I tried that one. It seemed to sit in the correct orientation for how I needed it. My friend asked me if I wanted to switch shields for the last round. I decided to continue with the shield I had, just for continuity's sake - we could make another shield after the event. And I tried NOT to be excited to paint another shield. 😆

After this moment, we kept sparing, until my shield arm was too weak to keep going.

We ended the fighting at that point, and we stripped down.

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The visiting knights continued to talk about the shield stuff - I was more concerned about talking to my friend about what I experienced, so we were polite until they moved on, realizing I was not fighting any more.

I had stripped down as fast as I could, with as little help as possible, to see how quickly I could get my armor off in an emergency. It was starting to get warm, but I was not in a state of emergency then - I simply felt it was good to test emergency circumstances ahead of time. I was pretty fast, but there is at least one piece that requires another person to assist. I felt satisfied with that experiment.

My friend could tell I was more confident in this series of fighting. I explained how starting with slow flat snaps and progressing faster and faster had helped me not only get the technique more consistent, but the overall beginning sparing, then shot practice, seemed to give me a good avenue to spike my adrenaline.

I told my friend of the hit to my knee - he immediately apologized, but I thanked him instead. After all, now the element of surprise for a serious hit to a sensitive area no longer felt like an issue.

We agreed that this was a good test run of fighting in front of other people. It was good to know I could effectively tune people out and focus on my opponent when needed. But it was also good to know people were watching, as I felt increased motivation to put forth my best efforts.

We agreed that making a new shield was in order so I could combat shield arm fatigue better - removing the under elbow protection from my sword arm had prevented vein restriction, and since I had not used it this time, my sword arm was not tired.

I also didn't feel consequences from the shots I threw. Even the hardest blow I threw did not injure my person at all. It was nice to know that with proper technique, my body won't suffer.

I'm sure we talked about one or two other things - but my mental faculties were already at their limit, despite the adrenaline coursing through me. We packed up our stuff, and I headed back to camp to take a nap.

I slept on and off for about 3 hours.

My mind was rested that point, but my body took a little longer to rest - the adrenaline drop left me feeling numb. Since I didn't strain myself, I spent time and mental energy helping my body understand that it was not in any lasting danger or in a state of irreparable damage. As much as I was mentally aware, my body took a while to catch up.

Thankfully, I was able to recover an hour or so after that. And then I enjoyed the rest of the event.

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At dinner later that night, I was shown some pictures a household friend had taken of me fighting - She had captured some incredible photos of me in armor, and told me she enjoyed watching me, and capturing the moments. I was caught up in pride: For my friend catching a beautiful moment, for my best friend being willing to fight me, and for myself, who was proving that I can do this.

Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that I would see myself in armor. And yet, there I was.

I thanked my friend, and gave her a hug.

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It's been a week, and that bruise on the back of my knee is still pretty bright - and I can't help smiling at it.

At the event I didn't realize it, but for the first time, I was grasping how adrenaline doesn't have to be a bad feeling. In fact, it's just a feeling. A feeling that can push me past my insecurities. A feeling that can propel me forward, not just keep me backward.

Adrenaline doesn't have to restrict me.

And even when adrenaline leaves me, my body and I are just fine. My trauma brain is not needed.

Fear and Anger are not needed to aid me in this journey.

I can't tell you just how much this means to me - to child me.

I can fight with respect for myself and my opponent, and I can fight with playful curiosity.

There may be people who don't understand just how groundbreaking this is for me - but as a person who has been EXTREMELY sensitive to negativity, and uncomfortable feelings, it's insane. I have managed to see a large source of discomfort for myself be turned into a tool I can use for a sport I am enjoying.

Huh - these ideas are still something to wrap my head around, but I am enjoying this discovery for myself. And I am so grateful. 💝

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Of course, I learned several other things from the session before, and during the event - this account is mixed in what I want to convey. I wanted to chronicle all the steps that occurred, but also help people understand what obstacles I have, and the effort I put in to overcome them.

I hope I have succeeded in this, even when it appears that my writing theme is unorganized, and/or the way I frame things is muddled.

Looking back at what happened feels surreal - like an exciting dream. Only, this dream is real.

                                            photo credit: Bill Bybee Photography - thank you friend 💝

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I haven't suited up in armor since last Saturday. I have other hobbies and responsibilities that needed my immediate attention when I returned from the event, so no fighting this last week.

But I look forward to putting the armor on again soon - I'm not done yet!

Thank you for following this journey with me. I will continue to share what I learn and I hope what I share continues to be inspiring, or at least entertaining, for you.

Until next time!

XOXOX