My Why - Finding my Fighting Spirit, part 2

This post has been in the making for a few weeks - partly because I am a busy person, but also because I wasn't able to put all my thoughts and feelings into a coherent and narratively-digestible way.

I've been terrified AND excited to fight. I know why I'm terrified. But understanding why I am excited has been interesting for me to explore. And when the excitement wears off, I am usually left feeling uneasy again - so my reason for fighting has needed a very strong drive. Otherwise, there's no way I'm actually going to square off against another person to fight.

And I think I finally have my "why" - but first, let me tell you what I am NOT relying on:

1) Ignorance.

I've already talked about the couple of times I pushed through adversity that I found on accident - these feats achieved under Ignorance are quite astounding, and I will still retain them in my mind as pivotal moments in my life. However, I realized I don't have many experiences where I do something after I have studied out what the requirements are.

For once in my life, I feel it's important to become educated before I participate. Not only for safety, but to prove to myself I can still do something I consider scary when looking at all the facts. So Ignorance will not be part of this journey.

2) Vanity.

I am just vain enough to have the thought that maybe I'm a hidden talent in fighting - someone who could be extremely good at fighting, but fear has kept me from trying. It is an entertaining thought for sure: little old me, often seen as a vulnerable and defenseless person, having raw ability that knocks more experienced fighters onto the floor. Little old me, one day entering Crown Tournament and winning!

As fun as this thought is, I know this thinking can go one of two ways: either this thought is true, or this thought is not true. If true, I need to remember to be humble. If not true, I can easily see myself using this as an excuse to not keep trying at something new to me. Honestly, I'm hoping that I'm NOT good at fighting - maybe this will teach me some patience in a new sport. 

Vanity never truly does anyone any good, especially the person who is adheres to it. It's such a fleeting thing to have in one's possession, because one minute, your ability, your youth, your beauty is there - the next, it's gone. And such pain is the person who clings to Vanity, only for it to toss them aside.

So no Vanity for me, thanks. I will be taking one small step forward at a time, thanking God that I have an opportunity to do something fun.

3) Spite.

A good chunk of my life was dedicated to doing things out of Spite: doing something because other people don't believe in you, or tell you "you can't do it". Except, in many ways, I feel it was myself I was being spiteful to.

Being a child of emotional turmoil, I developed a defense mechanism that told me not to do anything dangerous, because it would bring pain and harm. And yet, I did a lot of scary things: I left home. I met and married my sweetheart. I finished college. I got my first career job, and was able to start therapy as a result. In many ways, I feel I spited myself into healing. A huge part of me didn't believe I was worth believing in. And yet, the remaining half knew there was more to me than this fearful person. 

As I healed though, I realized I didn't need spite to live a fulfilling life. So I've been working on living without it.

But boy, does it persist as something that wants hold of me:

I currently work a physically demanding job, taking care of animals. It's excruciating during the busy season, especially since I am at least 5 years older than the next oldest person doing my job. I am also not in shape.

As I contemplated where I am at now, and the job I was doing, the Quest I am now on, I realized one day while I was working, that this job can help me become physically active. That in itself is fine - but then I began to rely on spiteful messaging to get me through the day. I'm not going to relay what EXACTLY I said. But even though it got me through the day, it ultimately doesn't do me good. Because I had forgotten that for me, Spite blocks out harmonious feeling and increases resentment and anger.

I don't want those feelings to be anywhere near my armor kit. The feelings that Spite brings to me makes me feel like a victim. I'm not a victim, so I do not need a victim mentality to push myself. And therefore, I will not be using Spite.

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So what am I left with?

A couple weeks ago, I began working on building my armor kit with my Bestie and even my husband and his squire brother were there to give advice and encouragement.

There was a moment where my husband’s squire brother and I were alone, and he asked me why I was fighting. I told him I wanted to.

I didn't tell him this, but growing up, I read fantasy novels and watched media that showed courageous women taking up arms to defend their kingdoms. They seem so powerful and unafraid - I wanted to be like them (And I will talk more about those women in another blogpost!).

Going back to that discussion: He said wanting to fight alone was worthy enough of a reason, but he really wanted to know why. I realized later he has always kind of assumed I was too demure of a person to want to fight.

I then told him I wanted to understand what my husband goes through on the field, which he thought was an ok answer. But he kept looking expectantly at me, so I began to dig deeper: I opened up a bit more and told him that there was something inside me that felt I could do it, if I wanted to. The squire brother lit up a bit, and asked me whether I was looking to win any tournaments. I told him no - and then he gave some great advice:

Never enter a tournament to win or lose. Enter a tournament because you want to learn something about yourself. This should be the only reason you fight in competitive sports.

Usually, this squire is a bit of a stubborn bone-head. So the fact that he firmly believes this is very impressive to me.

And since then, I have taken it to heart: I am here to learn something about myself.

For too long I have only listened to the scared part of myself. I haven't bothered much to explore the part of myself that is more bold. And the only person who can embrace that part of myself, is me.

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Relying on someone or something else to save you is a luxury.

Your spouse, your family, your friends, your job, your therapist, your church, can only do so much for you. I believe the only beings who can truly save you - change your circumstances, change your beliefs, change your life - are God, Jesus Christ, and yourself. And if you only believe in yourself, I truly believe you are handicapping yourself.

I've experienced many changes in myself due to my spiritual connection with God and Christ. They have given me strength, clarity, and redemption when I could not find it for myself. And once I was given it, I felt enabled to make new mental and emotional decisions for myself. And here I am, half a decade later, trying something I never thought I would be able or wanting to do: fight in armor.

So I guess through this whole process, I have found my way for fighting:

I am not a victim proving myself against anyone - I am not participating through Vanity or Ignorance.

I am here fighting to challenge myself; to see if fighting for myself can translate to physical sport, not just mental and emotional wrestling. I am embracing this person inside me that wants to fight. I am prepared to do all I can to fight for myself. I know that God will aid me when I ask Him to, because He has done so already.

 "Gratia praeteritum, Gaudium futurum" - Grateful for the past, excited for the future. God willing.

These words sit well with me. I hope it helps you understand my journey a little better, especially if you see me on the field. I welcome encouragement and support in the form of kind words, and sweaty hugs. And I thank you for your interest in my journey already - Not even done with my armor yet, and I already feel so much love and support. Thank you <3

XOXOX